so i have missed a few days and plenty of things have happened in my life but i really don't feel like explaining them all so i won't. the most important thing is that i am back and today i have done virtually nothing. but let me rewind just a little so that today makes some sense. last night was "the ice party" a multi-birthday/theme/dance party. everyone was supposed to wear white. just so happens all that i have to wear that is white is my dad's karate outfit. so automatically i feel super awkward add in the fact that no one else is really in costume as much as they are all just wearing white clothes. there are some people with masks but for the most part i am the only one fully dressed in a "costume". so being the shy person that i am i sat in the corner waiting for my comfort level to center out. as it turns out i start to get a stomach ache. so now i really can't dance. so i am feeling pretty terrible by now because i wouldn't mind dancing and i feel like i am letting natalie down by being a spoil sport. i usually would dance at things like this. they were playing great music. so i get up to get a drink and some guys steal my seat so i latch onto a wall. after watching everyone else getting down for awhile i start to get bummed because i am not feeling so great so i tell natalie that i am going to leave. but she offers to come with me which i felt really terrible about because i know she was having a ton of fun. she must really dig me! so we head over to denny's [near spring hill mall] and i get a root beer and some fries [which i barely touch because i don't feel so great but at the same time really want to eat because for some reason i ordered them] and i am talking about all this crap and it turns out that some people that she knows from work are there and they are in some band, so that is awkward and then some guy that natalie went to ecc with sits down behind us. and makes things even more weird. so i try to lighten things up but everything was just so weird and odd that it never felt completely comfortable. so i drop her off back at the ice party and drive home pretty bummed out because i almost feel like i am some kind of baby. so i am kicking myself and screaming the words to some promise ring song i haven't heard in years. i can't remember what i did when i got back. natalie let me use a air bed of her's because i have been sleeping on the floor in my room. my parents through out my futon. so i went to sleep uneasy.

today has been bla. i mostly played old nintendo games that i downloaded and some depaul stuff that needed to get finished. i tried to do a five star sudoku to no avail. i screwed it up the first time and erased all the numbers and tried again. nothing. so i made some mac and cheese and watched some tv and played some guitar. worked on a new song which is actually really interesting. to me at least. then i recorded a cover of mazzy star's "fade into you". sort of my anthem of the day. i got a message from natalie saying that we probably won't see each other for another two weeks because she is working everyday and tomorrow i am going back to the apartment. man that bums me out. i feel like we left on a bad note. and she just got home and i wanted things to be great and laid back but i just am not so great at these things. i should have called her today. but sometimes it is so hard just to pick up the phone. wow. that sounds lame. oh man. so i watched detective shows with my parents until i got a call from brett who was at the 7 eleven in the building that my apartment is in. i am not there. he might give me a call later. but maybe not. i smell but i am wide awake. where did i go wrong?